The official Royal Wedding commemorative coin

Here is the official coin to commemorate the Royal Wedding of Prince Fabious and his bride, Belladonna. It costs just 10 groats for a 1 groat coin. Bargain alert.

How to pull a bridesmaid at a Royal Wedding

It obviously helps if you’re already a prince but if you’re not, your only chance is if you’re either the Best Man or – at a push – one of the other Groomsmen. It’s a tough break but they’re the people the wench-controlled limelight falls on at weddings.

Make sure they’re drunker than you. This doesn’t mean that you can’t get drunk but you just have to ensure they’re drunker. Every drink they consume allows them to ignore one more of your faults. That’s probably why mum is always on the gin.

The bridesmaids will be feeling second best after how beautiful the bride will be. Prey on her vulnerability by lying and telling her she is the most beautiful girl in the room. Who knows? Maybe that orange/fuchsia ensemble really does bring out her eyes…

 Ask her to dance one song before the slow song. This is a scheme to make sure she’s already up on the dancefloor during the cuddly song so just don’t mess it up during the party tunes. Never, ever raise your arms above your head or mouth the song lyrics to her. Ever. Unless she makes you, of course.

On that note, do everything she asks you to do. It’s worth it.

Be resourceful and fashion a gift out of something you have to hand. Maybe you could fold a napkin into the shape of her favourite animal. A goat, perhaps.

Make sure they’re drunker than you. It bears repeating because it is the golden rule.

Try our Royal Wedding cake recipe

Just in case you prefer to watch the Royal Wedding on television with a slice of your very own commemorative wedding cake, we thought we’d supply you with this foolproof recipe for a cake of as-yet­-undefined size or shape. Alternatively, you could make it and then take a slice/lump with you as you watch Prince Fabious make Belladona his bride whilst stuck up against a crummy barrier.

Ingredients

Fish fingers – as many as you want

Mashed potatoes – loads and loads

Peas - some

A pinch of salt

Ketchup

Approximate cooking time

Unsure

Boil your potatoes – preferable Maris Piper or Rooster potatoes – until your sword comes out of them easily and cleanly. Then you know they’re done. It doesn’t matter if you decimate them with your weapon – you’re about to mash them to within an inch of their puny, tuber-based lives anyway.

Bake the fish fingers in the oven for as long as it tells you to on the box. If you’re wondering how fish fingers might make up part of a Royal Wedding cake, join the queue.

Take the peas and cook them in a saucepan of boiling water until they are cooked. This is one of the most important parts of the cake, because they are green and lovely so take care not to overcook them. Mushy peas go with fish and chips not fish fingers and mash.

Now stack the fish fingers up into whatever shape takes your fancy, using the mashed potato as a kind of delicious cement/grout.

Once your ‘cake’ has taken shape, completely cover the outside of it in mashed potato and proceed to dash the cake with peas. It’s like pebbledash but with peas. Peadash. Delicious and structurally sound.

Feel free to use any objects you have lying around to stir any mixtures you have. The mythical cocks are particularly renowned for their ability to place peas very exactly upon cakes. Try it!

You can always decorate the top of the cake with your favourite Royal Prince. If, for some reason, your favourite is Thadeous not Fabious, maybe you can use some black spaghetti to resemble his wonderfully coiffed locks and a locally sourced slug for that moustache. Maybe.